


SXED 420: Yuribird and the Bee

by Nenalata



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Out of Character, Post-Canon, Sex Education, also I like wrote this in two seconds, and I did it because someone jokingly told me to do it, no beta we die like Glenn, which was nothing, you get what you paid for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:26:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23350147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nenalata/pseuds/Nenalata
Summary: Or:Hapi and Dorothea recommend Ferdinand and Yuri as professors for Garreg Mach's brand-new sex ed class, and they get hired to do just that.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 45





	SXED 420: Yuribird and the Bee

**Author's Note:**

> anyway [ Euna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Euna) here on AO3 aka [@Bumblevetr](https://twitter.com/Bumblevetr) on twitter made a joke so I did it
> 
> im sorry to my readers, just ignore this, everyone who clicked should ignore this,

“I can’t believe they’re really doing it,” Hapi muttered from the very back of the class. “We were kidding.”

Dorothea’s snort of laughter was just loud enough to attract the attention of a nervous Golden Deer student fidgeting on the bench in front of her. She ignored the blushing boy to whisper back, “I’m more surprised Seteth _let_ them.”

“Silence, students!” Ferdinand called from the front of the classroom. “Let us begin class!” He rapped his hand on the lectern, and all present, Dorothea and Hapi included, jumped.

Well.

 _Almost_ all present.

Yuri, feet propped up on the instructor desk with his nose buried in a book, stayed in his seat, the very picture of relaxation. “You tell ‘em, Ferd.”

Beaming Ferdinand did indeed tell ‘em: “First, allow me to be one of the first, if not the _very_ first, to welcome you to Garreg Mach! It is no small feat to be admitted to such a fine institution. Why, I myself remember the spring air caressing my boyish cheeks as I first stepped foot on these hallowed grounds so many years ago! Truly, there is no better place with finer professors to study the nuances of combat, of piety, of negotiation, of—"

“Fucking,” Yuri cut in. He turned a page of his book. “This is a class about fucking.”

Dorothea choked on her muffled laugh. Silence reigned among the rest of the students.

“Yes, well…” Ferdinand cleared his throat. “I would not have put it so crassly, _Professor Leclerc_ , but…Garreg Mach Officers Academy has given the two of us the honor of enlightening young minds with the beauty and grace of…courtship…procedures.”

A student in the first row raised her hand. “Sorry, Professor Aegir, just…is this a class on courtship? Or the…the _procedures_?”

Color had returned to Ferdinand’s ashen face. Maybe too much color, perhaps. But he graced her with a smile charming enough to make her cheeks flush, too. “Yes!” he declared. “Are there any other questions before we commence?”

There were none, save Dorothea and Hapi’s mutual, internal, in-unison chants of _Why Why Why Why Why_.

“Excellent!” Ferdinand clapped his hands once, and the class jumped once more. “Please begin, Professor Leclerc.”

Yuri rolled his eyes to the ceiling, like he was praying to a deity he didn’t believe in, and shut his book with all the long-suffering reluctance of the predestined damned. He got to his feet, set the book on his desk, and looked each and every fresh-faced student in the eyes before he said, “How many of you know what sex is?”

Four excited hands shot in the air. Two of them were Dorothea’s and Hapi’s.

“Cool,” Yuri drawled. “Wanna tell me what you think? You.” He pointed at a boy two rows away from his desk, one of the two students with a hand raised, and the kid flinched.

“Me?”

“You. Take it away.”

“Um.” The boy swallowed hard enough to be audible. “It’s…it’s how two people make children, isn’t it? It’s…well, the Goddess gives people… _parts_ , and—”

“’Parts,’” Yuri pretended to consider. “Okay, so let’s get this out of the way first: it’s not always two people, and it’s definitely not always to make children. Hell, in my years of experience,” his slow grin was positively devious, “it’s usually _not_ about making babies.”

“Seteth’s going to kill him,” Dorothea whispered to Hapi, who was positively trembling with the force of restraining her laughter.

“We got a question in the back of the class?” Dorothea shut up. “Yeah, good, that’s what I thought. Anyway, sex is about fun and making bodies feel good. Let’s brainstorm some ways. Anyone got any ideas on how to do both of these things during their, hm, _alone time_?”

As the first hour of a three-hour seminar dragged on, the chalkboard got more action than any of the new students probably had in their entire lives combined. Ferdinand’s smile, which had frozen on its face starting with Yuri’s artistic diagram of various _parts_ and _procedures_ , now twitched at the edges as Yuri walked the class through the more complex maneuvers involved in the panel-by-panel comic of four different people’s _parts_ and _procedures_ combining.

Yuri paused in his artful detailing of hyper-realistic pubic hair on one of the figures to point the chalk at one of the most energetic students, whose hand had shot up for the fourth time today. “Yeah?” The girl, one of many students who had finally become more engaged, hesitated. Yuri’s smile was the least mocking it had been all day as he encouraged her, “Nah, I figured there’d be questions; no shame.”

“How do I—how does _someone_ …” The girl readied herself with a deep inhale. Dorothea and Hapi leaned over their desks to hear better, bated breath trapped in their lungs and excitement buzzing in their very souls. “How can I get one person to like me? Let alone three?”

For the first time since class had begun, the room dropped into sympathetic, nervous silence. The girl glanced around and ducked her head as even Yuri paused.

“This is…probably a better question for, uh, Professor Aegir,” Yuri said. Ferdinand jolted from his rigid position in the corner.

“For me?” he squawked.

Yuri raised his brows and handed him the chalk. “Aren’t you supposed to handle the, uh, ‘courtship’ portion? More your specialty.”

“Oh.” Ferdinand’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh! Yes, of course, Professor Leclerc!” He waved aside Yuri’s proffered chalk and swept past the other man to smile at the class. Yuri obediently stepped away to allow Ferdinand to enjoy the students’ rapt attention. “I have prepared for such a lesson my entire life!”

“Man. He definitely doesn’t know we’re already half done,” Hapi whispered. Dorothea shooed her into silence. Simultaneously, they propped their chins on their hands and let Ferdinand shine.

“Truly, the art of courtship is a delicate one…but not nearly so complicated as it might seem!” Ferdinand flipped the chalkboard to its other side. “Ahem. Ah. It seems I will be needing that chalk after all, if you would be so good as to—”

Yuri flicked the stub of chalk at him without looking up from his book again, and Ferdinand caught it from behind without a second thought.

“That’s kind of attractive,” Dorothea muttered—less to Hapi and more to herself.

“Yeah,” Hapi agreed.

Neither of them elaborated further. Instead, they admired Ferdinand’s looping script on the no-longer-blank chalkboard until he ended the word with a flourish:

RESPECT

“Respect!” Ferdinand read aloud, as if the talented students at this prestigious school he had just welcomed were incapable of comprehending. He whirled around, chalky hands on his hips, and observed his gaping students. “Respect is paramount, well before a noble soul—er, any soul begins to court a new lover.”

“You tell them, Professor!” Dorothea cheered from the back. Ferdinand blushed under the praise. His already-high energy heightened.

“Yes! Well. One must follow one’s heart first and one’s eyes and—well, later. Respecting a potential partner begins by understanding them, from something as simple and solitary as their name, or as unique as the fragrance drifting behind them minutes after they have walked past, or…or—”

“Or what their kinks are,” Yuri piped up helpfully from his book. “We’ll cover those next week.”

Ferdinand wisely ignored him even as the students’ eyes widened. “It matters little how intimately one desires to know a lover,” he continued. “What matters most is that you respect them, that they respect you, and that all parties involved—” here he slammed the elegantly-scrawled word with his chalk again, making white powder crumble on his white gloves, “—communicate this respect!”

“But how, Professor?” Hapi called. Sarcasm clearly dripped from the sentence; at least, it did so to those who knew her well.

Which Ferdinand did not. He shook the broken chalk at her with a conspiratorial grin quirking his lips. “Ah,” he said, “and here is the crux of the matter. And, of course, it is why such a course as this is necessary! I am happy to enlighten you. By no means do I consider myself an expert on the subject, but what I do know is this: no single person, be they noble or commoner, soldier or priest, are incapable of love. Any love! For there are many ways to express even the most fleeting of emotions. Allow me to provide examples—feel free to supply your own…”

By the time Ferdinand had completed his two-hour poetic sermon on the intricacies of penning romantic sonnets; thoughtful gifts to friends; and the importance of honesty when arranging ‘amorous gatherings’…class had ended an hour before, students were practicing their _courting_ or their solitary _procedures_ , Yuri had finished his book, and Dorothea and Hapi were in heated debate with Seteth as to why the class was probably the most blessed thing to happen to Garreg Mach since the Professor had risen from the dead and saved the world and thus must not, under any circumstances, be canceled indefinitely.


End file.
